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© 2007
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Primary Source Material
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Kip Kinkel: Journals
I have just killed my parents! I don't know what is happening. I
love my mom and dad so much. I just got two felonies on my record. My parents
can't take that! It would destroy them. The embarrassment would be too much for
them. They couldn't live with themselves. I'm so sorry. I am a horrible son. I
wish I had been aborted. I destroy everything I touch. I can't eat. I can't
sleep. I didn't deserve them. They were wonderful people. It's not their fault
or the fault of any person, organization, or television show. My head just
doesn't work right. God damn these VOICES inside my head. I want to die. I want
to be gone. But I have to kill people. I don't know why. I am so sorry! Why did
God do this to me. I have never been happy. I wish I was happy. I wish I made
my mother proud. I am nothing! I tried so hard to find happiness. But you know
me I hate everything. I have no other choice. What have I become? I am so sorry
(earlier entry)
I sit here all alone. I am always alone. I don't know who I am.
I want to be something I can never be. I try so hard every day. But in the end,
I hate myself for what I've become.
Every single person I know means nothing to me. I hate every
person on this earth. I wish they could all go away. You all make me sick. I
wish I was dead.
The only reason I stay alive is because of hope. Even though I
am repulsive and few people know who I am, I still feel that things might,
maybe, just a little bit, get better.
I don't understand any fucking person on this earth. Some of you
are so weak, mainly, that a four year old could push you down. I am strong, but
my head just doesn't work right. I know I should be happy with what I have, but
I hate living.
Every time I talk to her, I have a small amount of hope. But
then she will tear it right down. It feels like my heart is breaking. But is
that possible. I am so consumed with hate all of the time. Could I ever love
anyone? I have feelings, but do I have a heart that's not black and full of
animosity?
I know everyone thinks this way sometimes, but I am so full of
rage that I feel I could snap at any moment. I think about it everyday. Blowing
the school up or just taking the easy way out, and walk into a pep assembly
with guns. In either case, people that are breathing will stop breathing. That
is how I will repay all you mother fuckers for all you put me through.
I feel like everyone is against me, but no one ever makes fun of
me, mainly because they think I am a psycho. There is one kid above all others
that I want to kill. I want nothing more than to put a hole in his head. The
one reason I don't: Hope. That tomorrow will be better. As soon as my hope is
gone, people die.
I ask myself why I hate more than anyone else. I don't know. But
my head and heart want him dead. He only knows who I am through reputation, and
I know he is scared of me. He should be. One bad day, and there will be a sawed
off shotgun in his face or five pounds of Semtex under his bed.
I need help. There is one person that could help, but she won't.
I need to find someone else. I think I love her, but she could never love me. I
don't know why I try.
Oh fuck. I sound so pitiful. People would laugh at this if they
read it. I hate being laughed at. But they won't laugh after they're scraping
parts of their parents, sisters, brothers, and friends from the wall of my
hate.
Please. Someone, help me. All I want is something small. Nothing
big. I just want to be happy.
End. New day. Today of all days, I ask her to help me. I was
shot down. I feel like my heart has been ripped open and ripped apart. Right
now, I'm drunk, so I don't know what the hell is happening to me. <
It is clear that no one will help me. Oh God, I am so close to
killing people. So close.
I gave her all I have, and she just threw it away. Why? Why did
God just want me to be in complete misery? I need to find more weapons. My
parents are trying to take away some of my guns! My guns are the only things
that haven't stabbed me in the back.
My eyes hurt. They hurt so bad. They feel like they are trying
to crawl out of my head. Why aren't I normal? Help me. No one will. I will kill
every last mother fucking one of you. The thought of you is still racing in my
head. I am too drunk to make sense.
Every time I see your face, my heart is shot with an arrow. I
think she will say yes, but she doesn't, does she? She says, "I don't
know". The three most fucked up words in the English language.
I want you to feel this, be this, taste this, kill this. Kill
me. Oh God, I don't want to live. Will I see it to the end? What kind of dad
would I make? All humans are evil. I just want to end the world of evil.
I don't want to see, hear, speak or feel evil, but I can't help
it. I am evil. I want to kill and give pain without a cost. And there is no
such thing. We kill him - we killed him a long time ago. Anyone that believes
in God is a fucking sheep.
If there was a God, he wouldn't let me feel the way I do.
....Love isn't real, only hate remains. Only hate
(essay on love at first sight for English class)
Love Sucks
No, I don't believe in love at first sight because love is an
evil plot to make people buy alcohol and firearms. When you love someone
something it is always taken away from you. I also would like to add that I
hate each and every one of you. Because everything I touch turns to shit. I
think if you think you fall in love with someone at first sight it might just
be lust. Love at first sight is only in movies. Where the people in the movies
are better than you. That is why you go to a pone [pawn] shop and buy an AK-15
because you are going to execute every last mother fucking one of you. If I had
a heart it would be gray.
It is easier to hate than love. Because there is much more hate
and misery in the world than there is love and peace. Some people say that you
should love everyone. But that is impossible. Look at our history it is full of
death, depression, rape, wars and diseases. I also do not believe in love at
first sight. But I do believe in hate at first sight. Therefore love is a much
harder feeling to experience.
I really wouldn't know how to answer this question because my
cold black heart has never and never will experience true love. I can tell you
one about love. It does more harm than good. I plan to live in a big black
hole. My firearms and [illegible] will be the only things to fight my
isolation. I would also like to point out Love is a horrible thing. It makes
things kill and hate.
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